Self Worth and feeling you are Enough

Self-Worth

Self-worth is often framed with questions such as am I worthy enough? am I deserving enough of the things I want and desire? The truth is that every single one of us is worthy of those things, it is our birth right as human beings.

So how do we build our self-worth? It is helpful to look at what happens in the first few years of our life as it is the conditioning from the people around us that plays a large part in shaping who we become. Dr. Bruce Lipton, PhD, says ‘Observing our mothers, our fathers, our siblings, and our communities in the first 7 years is how we acquire the behaviors to become a member of the family and a member of community. These behaviors do not reflect our wishes and desires; they are just copied from other people.’ 

The first seven years of our life, we are basically learning a program, a bunch of algorithms / a way of living (taken from those around us) that determines the large part of how we will ‘be’ in the world. These ways of existing are how we do things, how we see ourselves and the world, and how we relate to others. These programs go into the ‘black box’ of our subsconscious in those very important first seven years, all the good stuff and the not so good stuff too.

Starting with our primary care givers, we learn a way of being and existing in the world based on the way the care giver operates, mirroring how they do everything. This could involve how they manage their emotions, how they relate to and communicate with others, and also how they perceive the world. The ‘blueprint’ on how we operate will also be impacted by how we are treated by our caregiver. If the caregiver is not nurturing or loving enough, or if they are volatile, us as a baby or small child, will still look to this person for our safety, for our food, for our survival. It may end up building patterns where we end up placating, appeasing, and tolerating behaviours from our care giver that will not be in our own best interest. (As a child our behaviours are of course not driven by thought, but a combination of emotions and responses from ourselves, some instinctual, some learnt. Ultimately though, we are not in a position to rationalise, judge or discern what is happening on a conscious level at that stage in our life).

So where does that leave us as an adult? If we do experience challenges we are carrying forward due to challenging formative years, that is ok and we can make change with love and kindness towards ourselves. We can start by looking at our lives to identify the patterns of how we operate and have a think about what we want to change.

A foundation upon which we can build this change is self-worth. Why is self-worth so important? It is the belief about ourselves that tells us that we are worthy of us caring enough about ourselves that we may do the things we need to get on in life. If we believe we are worthy, we will also exercise our boundaries with others, something that is very important if we are going to operate in the world in a way that empowers us and elevates us. Self-worth is needed for us to believe we are deserving of the future we want.

It’s important to have self-worth because it impacts everything you do from your relationships, to how you work, how you feel about yourself, and how others view you.

— SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

Ways to build Self-Worth

·      Show up for yourself (over and over) in every area of your life: taking time for self-care, getting enough sleep, taking a bath, exercising regularly (for me that is walking every day), spending time in nature, eating good food, taking care of your health and your weight, taking care of your skin: your mind is constantly watching how you treat yourself. If you are treating yourself well, it will recognise and reinforce that you have self-worth. Also show up for the other important areas of your life: work, family, social life: get clear on your priorities and decide how much time you wish to dedicate to each area of your life. Whatever you are doing, give it your undivided attention: there is no such thing as multi-tasking. If you are with your children, put down screens and be fully present with them. If you are at work, be fully present in what you are doing. The feedback loop to your mind is that you value yourself enough to value the things you care about.

·      Identify your boundaries and exercise and manage those boundaries with other people (even when it gets uncomfortable). You are telling your mind that you are worthy of being respected and of your boundaries being respected. (For further information, see the section on boundaries).

·      Get clear on what you want and what you want your life to look like in every area. (It is often said about work for example, either you decide what your dreams are, or you will end up working for someone else who will put your talents to use towards their dreams). Just like a GPS navigation system, your brain needs to know the destination in order to get to it. Creating a compelling and strong vision lets your mind know that you are clear on what you want, it gives a message that you’ve valued yourself enough to spend time working this out.

·      Creating certainty: having a plan and a destination provides certainty. The human mind loves certainty as it acts as a motivator and driver to get you to where you want to be.