Boundaries

Boundaries

The issue of boundaries is not one often talked about, yet it is all around us forming a daily challenge for lots of people. Getting clear clear on what your boundaries are is essential, and then they need to be conveyed to others when necessary. This can be an overwhelming yet ultimately liberating process that enables people to make the leaps and bounds they want to in their life because it directly impacts their sense of wellbeing and worth.

Growing up in families and communities, the ‘done thing’ or ‘looking acceptable’ often overrides our needs, wishes and desires. We are taught to take care of other people’s feelings, don’t do anything that creates an uncomfortable situation. In the mix, we get used to disregarding how we are feeling, that ‘it’s fine’ when our bodies and minds are clearly telling us that it is not ok. What if someone says no to a polite request you make to not do something that upsets you, if they mock you for it, or even do the opposite? Bit by bit, this can slowly erode a person’s sense of their own knowing, what is right for them and their intuition.

Sometimes, when growing up, people may behave in a way that hurts you, and that may be because they have or are experiencing their own trauma. That doesn’t make it right though and they should not be inflicting that on others. For yourself, by working on boundaries and individual traumas, both through self-work and work with professionals (if that is of help), a person can start to heal themselves and start living from a place of wholeness. Living in a way that loves and honours yourself is a great place to start evaluating and practicing good ‘boundary management’.

That said, setting boundaries can be a challenging and uncomfortable process. We need to be able to sit with that discomfort. A good way to do that is to understand why we are doing this, and keep on reminding ourselves of this. You may experience anger, disappointment or disengagement from others, and you have to find a way to be ok with that. Remember, that you are not responsible for managing other people’s feelings, they are. They can prioritise what is right for them, but you prioritise what is right for you. At this point, be your own advocate, your supporter, and remember the wider picture of what is going on. The mind also likes repetition, and the more you do this, the more you will get used to it and your internal map of the world will start shifting.

Boundaries are essentially about respect; does the other person respect you enough to respect your boundaries?

healthy boundaries

What are Boundaries?

A boundary is a what separates us from other people in a number of different ways. It is through boundaries that we also define how we wish others to interact with us and what may or may not be acceptable to us. Different types of boundaries include:

• Physical boundaries – your personal space, how close someone can be and that you are comfortable with, for example.

• Emotional boundaries – how we choose to express our feelings and emotions with others and how others choose to share their feelings and emotions with us. How respectful people are of each other’s emotions.

• Intellectual boundaries – having our ideas, thoughts and values respected by others, and respecting other people in the same way. Being able to live those ideas, thoughts and values without fear of reproach or judgement is everyone’s right, and if someone were to make a person uncomfortable about this, that is a boundary violation.

• Spiritual boundaries – boundaries that protect the right of an individual to believe what they believe. This can include religion, spirituality, and wider beliefs about why we are here and how we choose to exist.

Boundaries and Trauma

Experiencing trauma can lead to a person feeling unsafe and questioning their own worth. Having gone through a traumatic experience or violation of any sort can leave a person feeling vulnerable. A trauma can often involve some boundary having been violated and it may lead to the person feeling triggered every time a boundary of theirs is encroached upon by someone else. By setting boundaries and reaffirming those boundaries, a person can start rebuilding a sense of safety and stability upon which they can start moving forward.

Boundary setting is a skill that needs to be nurtured and built over time. Taking small steps at a time and starting with smaller boundaries is a good way to build this ‘muscle’. Consistency is key for yourself and also for those around you – if people see that you are serious about your boundaries, they will eventually adjust their behaviour. Make sure you communicate your boundaries to others and keep reaffirming that information. A good way to describe to another person is by sharing the impact their boundary violation is having on you, and why it is not ok. I don’t believe it is helpful to let people know that you are changing your boundaries as this may set up a ‘battle’ environment. Rather, just practice what feels right to you from situation to situation and from a place of authenticity and self-value and worth.

Relationships

Sometimes an event or crisis happens for us to have a realisation that things need to change right now. You suddenly find yourself looking at all of your relationships in the cold light of day and you realise that there are so many behaviours and actions from other people that you are simply not ok with.

Family

Family is the core of our belonging as human beings, but what if your family don’t treat you that well and constantly violate your boundaries? It may be that they simply don’t treat you very nicely, or act contemptuously towards you, or are jealous when there is no need. A sibling who thinks they are doing you a favour spending time with you? Or maybe it’s a parent who consistently and systematically favours other siblings ahead of you and belittles you. Where do you go from there? These are all boundary and value issues that matter.

What I have found from experience is that you work on relationships and give feedback making your needs and boundaries clear. Ultimately if things do not change, you have to distance yourself from those members of your family who act in this way. The degree to which you decide to do this is up to what your feelings and emotions are telling you. It may range from a complete cut off, to just keeping infrequent contact, or having regular contact with people who start responding to the changes you have instigated. Often, a respectful but emotionally distant way of being provides protection for you whilst conveying an unspoken message to the other person ‘I still honour my relationship to you as my …. , and at the same time, I also choose to value and protect my own wellbeing’.

Family & Friends

If there are issues with a relationship, ask yourself the following questions. Who instigates meeting up? If it’s you every time, does that other person really value you? If you have a negative emotion rising when you see someone calling you on your phone, that is a sign to dig deeper – what is it about them that’s making you unhappy or unsettled? What needs to change in that relationship and interactions?

There are always smaller signs of people who aren’t respectful and who boundaries need to be addressed with. For example, do you know someone who always turns up late or gives backhanded compliments? Do you have anyone in your circle of people who you can’t share your good news with because you know they will not be happy for you? These are all indicators that is a relationship that needs a close look.